Shootin' Up The Mountain And Floatin' Down The River

Well, recently, the Drunken Bastard took a nice little trip to Salmon la Sac to float down the Yakima River.  Here's a little rundown on what happened.  If you are Hunt's wife, please see the disclaimer at the bottom of this page. 

Thursday, July 6 - Being the bastard that I am, instead of staying home tonight and making sure all of my shit's packed up, I went out for a few cocktails and comedy at the prestigious Caddyshack Pub located in scenic Burien, WA.  Drinks abound and by the end of the night, I ended up recruiting the bartender to get me and my truck home.  Somehow, when I woke up the next morning, there was a woman in the picture too.  Who knew?

Friday, July 7 - 9:20 AM - I was supposed to be at Chuck's place by 9.  So when I rolled out of bed, I promptly called him and let him know I would be late.  After a fun, although hungover, rush I was out the door with most of what I had to bring.  Tylenol in my stomach and directions to Chuck's in hand, I still managed to fuck up on my way there and took the wrong exit.

Friday, July 7 - 12:00 PM - Finally, at the campsite.  Here I met most of the crew.  Jimbo (Q-Ball), Harju (Master of Mayhem), Nigel ( Dude) and Hunt (The Safety Coordinator), greeted Chuck and I with beers in hand and ready to rock.

Friday, July 7 - 1:00 PM - After arriving and recharging from the night before with a couple beers, we were ready to set up camp.  The problem was that there was a car parked in the spot we wanted.  Looked like an abandoned truck with no camping gear or anything so we decided to move in and invade the spot anyway.  We just set up around the truck.  Then we had some more beers.

Friday, July 7 - 4:00 PM - The tents are now up, some beers have gone down.  Hunt has finally busted out the vodka, mmmm.......good.  We decided to take a break from drinking and vodka to shotgun a couple beers.  That being done, it was time to wreak some havoc, vis-à-vis the Master of Mayhem.  We piled into the truck and motored up the mountain equipped with a stoned Jar Jar with a nice package in his pants and guns.

Friday, July 7 - 6:00 PM - Found a good spot for some shootin'.  When we got there, we decided to make a target out of an old motorcycle gas tank that we found, unfortunately minus the gas.  The Mayhem Master brought up a little dry ice and some 2 Liter bottles however, the one thing we sort of forgot was the water to mix with the ice.  Good thing we had already drank a bunch and a few of us had to pee.  The package referred to earlier in Jar Jar's pants was a nice homemade black powder bomb a couple of us threw together from some bottle rockets.  It was "Sacrifice the Icon" time.

Friday, July 7 - Rest of the night - After the mayhem session, we headed back to camp for a recharge, we were starting to sober up.  It was now time for Jimbo to challenge the river.  He hopped into his truck, booked down the bank and onto the rocks.  Bill, who was waiting for us when we got back from shooting, was with him.  Jimbo proceeded to motor up and down the rocks.  His only attempt at crossing the river ended after his truck was all the way off the rocks and the water came most of the way up his front tire.  after that attempt failed, he hit some of the smaller, more isolated pools and gave us quite a light show when he drove by and his truck had this beautiful orange glow emanating from underneath it, which turned out later to be the clutch, or lack there of.  At that point, Jimbo went from owning a truck to a nice big boom box with beer storage.  Finished with conquering the river for the evening, Q-Ball decided it was time for a round of river golf.  Hunt managed to pull a three foot tall 5 Iron out of his ass and then some golf balls appeared out of nowhere.  We all got a chance to tee off and try and get it across the river.  Jimbo was the only one with a driver that lost yardage.  Just to make it a little more interesting, we picked a few rocks to tee off of and a couple choice beer cans too(empty of course).  There wasn't much left of the 5 Iron after that.  There was a few more arrivals that night.  When we got back form shooting, Bill was there and later on that night Timmy, Aranzo and Maria got there after everyone else was crashed and the Bastard was the only one left.  So, the others arrived we had a few beers and some other things and decided to get a few hours sleep for the float the next day.

Saturday, July 8 - AM - Time gets a little hazy from here on out.  Everyone gets up and has a little breakfast.  We decided to forgoe the shotgunning of the beer for some really tasty vodka that Maria brought.  Imported from Russia, it was oh so silky smooth.  During the couple hours that we took to get our wetsuits on and get our shit together for the float.  In this time, we has a few other folks show up.  Nate was the first one, then Stellar and his two friends and then not long after came Coble and Chad the Mormon.  In Drunkenese, Mormon translates as Designated Driver.  Nate was one of these too.

Saturday, July 8 - Daylight - Time for the float.  The first part was inflating the tubes.  It's amazing.  We didn't think you could put a price on air but in Roslyn, they have - three bucks per tube.  We finally found a place where we didn't have to pay anything, inflated ourselves and trekked off to the river.  When we put in, we had 16 people all together.  12 tubes, 3 lounge chairs and Timmy's barge.  Not to fear, we were able to bring plenty of beer with us.  It was stashed in mesh bags and tied to our tubes.  After the initial shrinkage of jumping in the river, we all began to relax and get shit housed. The cars were still in sight when Jimbo's bag of beer turned up missing.  Those at the back of the bunch were able to police up most of the missing brew, but some did manage to escape.   I would have some pics for the float but the reason for having none will be explained soon.

Saturday, July 8 - Still Daylight - The float has been going well.  Several beers and a few miles later, we stopped to let stragglers catch up and I saw Harju make the funniest face I ever saw accompanied by a noise that sounded something like what a mule would sound like when it had a boiled potato shoved up it's ass as he fell off his tube trying to stop his progress.  After a quick regrouping, we were off again.  A little time and a lot of beer later, a few people needed to stop for a breather.  It was a hard lesson for Q-Ball.  I've never seen anyone have so much trouble in ten inches of water but they were awfully big cans of beer.

Saturday, July 8 - Cloudy Daylight - We were almost at our rest spot, Jump Off Rock.  Before we got there, Hunt, who decided to take it upon himself to dispose of any beer he caught in his sites was trying to hide his water farts in the huge rapids we were tackling.  It didn't work.  Anyway, there was a little commotion, a beer flew through the air and the camera we had hit the water, hence no pictures.  We tried to go to the replay to find out what happened but the camera was out of focus.  Finally, we got to Jump Off Rock.  Everyone who didn't bring a wetsuit got out as fast as they could so their nuts could drop back down.  The rest of us relaxed a little while Chuck led an expedition to an abandoned ranch where they found a rat and a rattlesnake.  Aranzo, who had lost his shoe somewhere along the way decided to shove his thumb up the snake's ass and really piss it off.  He was hopping up and down on one foot, poking at the snake and trying to get a picture of it.  Meanwhile, back at the rock, the others were just hanging out getting their shots of nicotine and a couple quick shotguns in.  Everyone gathered back at the rock a few minutes later.  Bill's tube had shrunken to the size of a donut and there was a little discussion about what happened to Hunt's camera.  Someone asked him where it was so Hunt proudly thrust the camera high into the and toppled like a felled tree on to his face in the sand.  Despite the name of the stopping point, the Safety Coordinator, Hunt, would not allow anyone to jump off as he felt it was too dangerous.

Saturday, July 8 - Still Daylight - The float is winding down.  It wasn't long before we hit the pull out point, THE SECOND TRESTLE.  Everyone managed to get there ok but Timmy missed it as Bill had joined him in his barge and they weren't able to paddle hard enough.  They ended up getting ashore about 50 feet down from the pull out point.  Thus ended the float.  Tim later reported that the water in the barge became mysteriously warm on several occasions after Bill boarded his vessel.  Bill was not available for comment at the time of publishing.

Saturday, July 8 - Waning Daylight - After the recovery mission we packed up all our tubes and empties and headed back to camp to get freshened up for the Roslyn hotties.  Naturally, after the arduous 20 minute drive back to camp, we were in need of a recharge, so some of us proceeded to shotgun a couple more beers and have a little more of that breakfast vodka from the morning.  Once we were ready to go, we piled into a couple cars and the "Designated Drivers," Chad and Nate, led us to the promise land.  We got to Village Pizza for some chow.  Everyone took their turn in the shitter and dined on some fine pizza.  The Safety Coordinator was in rare form as he shared his opinions on a myriad of subjects.  Coble, who's head and chest were still glowing from the float, learned a hard lesson as he went to the bar across the street for the cash machine and received $40 in Brick Bucks instead of real legal tender.

Saturday, July 8 - Darkness - After Village Pizza we moseyed on over to the hottest club in town, The Brick.  We walked in and shot a few games of pool while we waited for the feature artists to start their show.  In the mean time, everyone pooled their resources to try and come up with a plan to get Jimbo laid.  It wasn't a half bad story.  Jimbo was playing the part of a Microsoft retiree that was starting his own web hosting company.  We figured a little techie talk would impress the chicks.  Nothing gets them hotter.  As the evening progressed, Maria put on her hard hat and toughed out a night with ten drunk guys in a bar full of sleazy women.  Props to her.  As the entertainment began we began to realize that the caliber of the band wasn't what we had hoped.  I've heard cats fuck with more rhythm than these guys had.  Meanwhile, it looked like Jimbo was progressing nicely with his angle but soon came to find out that his target had a man already.  That didn't stop Jimbo from climbing into their car after the night was over though.  Fortunately, everyone got home without an notable violence.

Saturday, July 8 - After Hours - We got back to camp and it was time for some good old fashion drinking and another round of river golf.  It's a hard game to play when you can't see where the ball was going.  Coble decided to do a little entertaining of his own.  He proceeded to do an interpritive dance around the fire.  The problem with that was that Aranzo had gotten the fire up to epic proportions.  Coble managed to finish his dance with only a few scars and burn marks.  It's a good thing he had no hair on his head to loose because if he did, that place would be stinkin'.  After everyone else had gone to bed, I crept out of my tent to dance naked in the moonlight around the fire.  It was very rejuvenating.

Sunday, July 9 - Sunday - Sunday, everyone woke up and packed all their gear.  Nigel was kind enough to tow Jimbo's truck back to Roslyn where he then escalated the issue to Triple A.  Everyone else headed home, with the exception of Harju, who headed up into the mountains for further mayhem. No one has seen him since! 

I am in the process of collecting testimonials from the others that were on the trip so they can add anything I have left out.  They will be posted as soon as I get the first few in.

DISCLAIMER - All events and characters in this story making any mention of or appearing to be Hunt are purely fictitious.  Any relations to Hunt or events that Hunt was attending are purely coincidental.  All beverages that Hunt is drinking in photos are root beer.  Please understand this Stacie.

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